some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
