I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
