Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
How external is "for external use only"?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
