but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
