My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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