By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
