So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
