I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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