About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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