He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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