Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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