Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
