We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
