I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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