Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm like, not good at living.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
