the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
