i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
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