anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
There's always time for handjobs
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
