I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
