so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
