We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize