im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
