I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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