We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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