i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
