I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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