P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
porn star boner night. come get it.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
