it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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