Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
