I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
i think my cat just said my name.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
