i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
