omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
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