you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
why do cheetos always look like penises
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
