I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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