Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
