I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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