We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
