if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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