There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
