I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
