i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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