farters have to be the big spoon...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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