He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
