She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
