Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
