I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
