my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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