Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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