My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize