Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
pop tarts are not kleenex
you will always have a special place in my vag
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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