Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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